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Old age is a time of life that is poorly understood by the young and in many respects feared. It is viewed by many as a very negative phase of life; a time of loss and grieving … for youth, for agility, for missed opportunities, for a spouse or friends who have died, and of facing the inevitability of your own death. Others see it as a very positive phase. With fewer responsibilities you can use that freedom to explore new opportunities, while being a source of wisdom and stability for your family.

One of the myths about getting older is that sex is not important to the elderly. In fact, not so long ago, it was simply assumed that if you were getting on in years, sex was out of the question.

Society has now largely come to grips with the concept that sex is for recreation as well as procreation, clearing the way for the attitude that even though you might be past childbearing (a stage many of us have passed mentally if not physically by the time we are thirty-five), you can still expect to have a fulfilling sexual relationship if you want, and learning about sex can be a lifelong process. Jack is now sixty-eight. ‘When I was a lad, I thought I knew it all. In retrospect,’ he said, ‘I knew bugger all. There was no contraception when I was growing up. Being experienced meant going as far as you possibly could without getting the girl pregnant. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m now a better lover than I’ve ever been. I’m sure I could tell my grandchildren a thing or two if they dared to ask!’

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Tags: Men’s Health
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When a man has trouble getting a full erection, or maintaining it, both partners have to face sex as an issue. About forty-five percent will have a physical cause like diabetes, heart disease, or the side effects of drugs. Others will have a psychological cause. Whatever the cause, there are tests to find out the problem … and there is almost always something to help.

It’s very threatening for a man to admit he has a problem with sex. The first time his penis fails to rise to the occasion can be very alarming. If it starts to happen regularly it can be devastating. ‘Erectile failure’ can make you feel like a total failure. It raises questions about your concept of manhood, it undermines your sexual confidence, and brings doubts about the future of your relationship.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about sex, it can be really hard to ask for that help, so many people just put up with the problem, kid themselves it doesn’t matter, or deny there is a problem at all. Impotence investigations involve ultrasound scans of the blood vessels carrying blood in and out of the penis after inducing ah erection with a tiny injection of a drug directly into the tissue of the penis. Obviously that’s nobody’s idea of a good time, but because getting the right treatment depends on finding out exactly what’s causing the problem, they are necessary.

Too often both partners simply ignore the problem, don’t talk about it, pretend it isn’t important. If only people could talk to each other about sex they would learn about each other’s feelings, and find solutions together.

When we talk about alternatives to intercourse, particularly in the case of erectile problems, it may be easier said than done. If you have always believed that ‘real sex’ means penis in vagina then that will be a difficult concept to change, but it will help to know that arousal, erection and ejaculation are totally separate mechanisms. You can still ejaculate without having an erection. It’s a matter of finding a type of stimulation that is acceptable to you both.

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Clearly, for some couples a pregnancy will enhance the intimacy of their relationship. The anticipation of the future is an exciting joint venture; a consolidation of their commitment to each other.

For others, it may drive a wedge between them. This is particularly true if one of the partners is ambivalent or plain unhappy about the prospect of parenthood. No doubt some men resent the changes in their partner’s body and personality, or the adjustments they have to make to their lifestyle; and some men do feel excluded. For a woman, pregnancy is a consuming condition. It really can be hard to think of anything other than that baby growing and developing inside, and it is possible to lose sight of a partner’s emotional needs. Ultimately the best protection for any relationship is to keep the lines of communication open, and to let each other know how you feel. Nobody can be a mind-reader. If a man isn’t told that pregnant women can go off sex, or turn on and off, or find some positions uncomfortable, or that her sexual responses can change, then how is he to guess? By the same token, if a woman doesn’t realize that she is not listening to her partner’s problems, or that she isn’t aware of his frustrations or worries, then how can she do anything about it? Given that all of these changes are very individual, it’s up to each couple to talk about these things, even if it’s the first time in their relationship that they have talked in detail about their emotions or their sexual needs. Taking the trouble will be worth it.

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One of the myths about same-sex relationships is that they are more superficial and less valid than heterosexual partnerships. Families who have not accepted the relationship may be secretly or even openly pleased that it has come to an end. ‘For me it was like the divorce you couldn’t talk about,’ said Alison. ‘Although my parents knew that Beth and I were lovers, she had never been invited to any of our family functions. About the only comment my mother made after we split up was, “Maybe now you’ll come to your senses and meet a nice man and settle down.” I couldn’t help comparing it to my brother’s separation from his wife. Mum was practically doing backward somersaults to get them back together again. I was such a mess that I could hardly get through the day at work, but I couldn’t tell anyone why I was so upset. You see, they didn’t know anything about my private life. I made up some excuse about a death in the family.’

The lack of legal status for same-sex relationships can make it that much harder too. Even if an ex-partner’s children have been living with the couple there can be no formal arrangements for access and this can amplify the loss. There are also limited financial rights in terms of property settlements or superannuation entitlements.

After a separation there comes an inevitable period of grieving and adjustment. Sexual reactions range from celibacy to a desperate search for a new partner, but there is certain to be a lot of soul-searching that leads to a new understanding of yourself.

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How realistic is it to expect that an infected partner will tell you that they have something like herpes simplex if they know about it? In the early stages of a sexual relationship it can be very hard to broach the subject. It is embarrassing to reveal it to another person and there is the very real risk that a prospective partner will be scared off unless they have all the information, but it is absolutely essential for them to be aware so that they can make the decision for themselves. It is a form of sexual abuse to knowingly expose another person to an infection like herpes. Although herpes simplex is not curable, outbreaks can be controlled with lifestyle changes and if necessary a tablet called Acyclovir, but it is one of those STDs with a bad reputation and the psychological effects can be worse than the physical symptoms.

One woman in her thirties talked about the effect it had on her life. ‘I got my first attack of herpes about five years ago from a boyfriend who didn’t tell me he had it. When the doctor told me I was in shock. I mean, this couldn’t be me; I didn’t sleep around. I had only had a few longterm relationships and I thought I knew Rob really well. When I confronted him with it he said he was going to tell me ages ago but he was too embarrassed, and he thought I would have given him the flick. I broke off the relationship then and there. I was furious. At least if I’d known I could have protected myself. Since then I haven’t been able to trust anyone completely. A few times I have met men that I have been attracted to but I don’t have the same sort of confidence as I used to have sexually. On the odd occasion when I have had sex it just isn’t the same. It can be really depressing.’

Lyn tells a different story. ‘After my marriage broke up I started dating again. I had been seeing this one man for a couple of months and there was definitely a chemistry between us, but every time we got into an intimate situation he would make some excuse and back off. It was really confusing; I thought maybe he didn’t find me attractive but my instincts told me otherwise. This went on for weeks and weeks until he finally told me that just before we met he had suffered his first attack of herpes and he was terrified of giving it to me. Well, I didn’t know enough about it to know what to do, so we went along to the Sexual Health Clinic and spoke to the counsellor there. She answered all our questions about the risks to me, and I decided that if we used a condom every time then I would feel safe.’

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